Childish Dreams Read online

  “I know that’s what y’all keep telling me, but there was an ad for the show, and I swear on my grandmother’s pearls I saw Billie’s face,” my momma repeated. She channel surfed until she saw Connor Grave’s smile fill the screen and the theme music for Superstardom. “See, I told y’all.”

  “They’re just playing old footage of past winners. You’ve seen every season,” I complained from my spot on the couch when the winner from last season appeared on the screen. I had a bowl of popcorn in my lap and wasn’t exactly excited about my movie being turned off, but I returned to stuffing my mouth and scowling.

  “Boy, I am sick to death of your brooding,” Momma announced as she picked up a cushion and threw it at me.

  I protected the popcorn, swatted the cushion away, and muttered, “I’m not brooding.”

  “Cora told me that unless you’re at practice or school, you sit here all day eating and watching movies,” Michelle stated. “You don’t hang with your teammates after games, and even when you have a movie on, you spend most of your time staring at your phone, hoping my daughter will call or text you. Basically, you’re worse than me.”

  I had no reply, because she wasn’t wrong. Rocket, sensing my unease, came over and curled up at my feet. I began patting him, hoping to avoid spending any more time talking about my feelings.

  “Look! Look!” Momma started jumping up and down, and when we all turned to the screen, we watched Billie walking nervously into the judging room.

  “Holy sh*t,” I muttered, staring at Billie’s tumbling blonde curls and big blue eyes as she looked at the judges and cameras like a deer caught in headlights. She was unbelievably beautiful in a naive innocent way that I knew everyone watching at home would be drawn to.

  When she told the judges her name and age, and Russell Conway told Billie her name was cool, I heard Michelle’s gasp. The reality of Billie being on television became real. When she teased Jax Bone about not considering him as her favorite musician, knocking his ego back a peg, I couldn’t help but grin. “That’s my girl,” I mumbled under my breath.

  When she began softly singing Jewel’s “Foolish Games,” her hands resting on her stomach, Michelle, my mom, and I all held our breaths. We knew how good she was, but every time listening to Billie was like the first time.

  Our chests ached at the beauty she revealed. Watching her sing always reminded me of the wild horses I once saw grazing and galloping on my grandparents’ ranch. They were quiet and easily spooked, avoided everyone unless enticed by the right brand of carrot. But given the opportunity, they showed the world a form of beauty when they galloped that left everyone speechless. I’d been in love with Billie since the first time I saw her sing. She was no longer my goofy best friend; she was the sun and stars in a world of obscurity. It was like she had a fire inside her that burst and burned and then just as quickly settled back into a timid shell.

  I didn’t need to look at Michelle and my momma to know they were crying; I could hear their sniffles from my spot on the couch. But when Claudia asked Billie to sing something a little more upbeat, I swore I heard Michelle growl.

  When Billie began singing Lady Antebellum’s “Downtown,” laughing between lyrics and flicking her hips, I wasn’t seeing her on the television. I was back in her bedroom when she first heard that song, watching her dance around her bedroom while trying to convince me that it was the best song on the radio.

  The memory was broken when Russell led the judges into a standing ovation and my mother started clapping in the living room like a dork.

  When Jax Bone asked Billie who was with her at the audition supporting her, Cora and Michelle abruptly stopped clapping and the tension in the room became intense.

  When she began discussing her mother’s disapproval of her singing and the fact that she was able to convince me to stay behind, Jax Bone’s reaction transformed my face into a scowl. When he stood up to give her the star ticket, I was pissed. Acting like she was alone and needed him to hold her hand. Acting like there was something there between them and they didn’t just meet two f*cking seconds ago.

  Dude, she told you I was the reason she was at the damn audition.

  When he encouraged her to grab hold of her dreams and not let go, I wanted to shout at her that she could do that and it didn’t mean she had to let us go.

  The episode ended with Connor Graves reminding people to tune in next week to watch the entire season. I had no idea how the episode affected Michelle, but I knew that after watching all that transpired, I wasn’t sure things would be the same.

  The phone rang and rang.

  “Hey,” Billie answered, sounding as if she were just waking up. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a terrible best friend and haven’t been texting you a ton lately. They’re keeping us pretty busy with filming interviews and our reactions to each other’s performances. I basically passed out tonight after the day I had. Wait, have you called me six times tonight? Do I need to jump on the plane? Are you okay? Are the moms okay?”

  “We saw your audition tonight,” I told her bluntly, raking a hand through my hair.

  “What? How? The show doesn’t air for another week. I was meant to come home first,” Billie muttered, sounding confused. I heard rustling on the other end of the phone. It sounded like she was climbing out of bed. I pictured her long blonde hair piled on top of her head and the goofy pajamas she always wore, and the tension I felt since watching on television opposite Jax Bone lifted a little.

  “They aired your audition early. They kept calling it a pre-air premiere to promote the new season. They replayed old auditions of past winners with a couple of new auditions. There was your friend with the glasses and some cowboy’s audition as well. Although, they were shown just singing. They aired your audition start to finish. B, you sounded amazing.”

  “Oh, well, I guess that’s a relief. But, um, did my mom—”

  “Hear that she doesn’t support you? Yeah, B. It didn’t look like they edited anything out.”

  “I should call her,” Billie said, sounding panicked. “I’ve spoken about how amazing she’s been my whole life in interviews ever since, but if they only showed my audition—”

  “Look, you didn’t say anything she didn’t already know. Thankfully, it was before you guys had that argument in the kitchen. I would give her a day to calm down.”

  “Do you think she’s angry with me?”

  “I think she’s angry at herself.” I sighed. “Once the show ended, she left our house and didn’t even say goodbye to my mom. I think she needs to beat herself up a little before she’ll be able to talk to you.”

  “How you feeling?” Billie asked tentatively. I imagined her twirling a single curl around her finger like she usually did when she was nervous.

  “Guilty.”

  “Zach, you don’t need to feel guilty,” Billie said softly.

  “I dared you to go there and let you convince me not to join you. I knew it was going to be a big moment in your life. I should have just ignored your complaining. I should have been there when you got that ticket.”

  “Zach, if you think for a moment that I didn’t know how much you cared about me and my winning that ticket, then you’re crazy. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you, and I never forget that. There was a reason I didn’t tell you the questions they asked me. I never wanted you to feel bad.”

  “Look, once you’re back next week, maybe we should go down to the lake and talk about everything. There are things I haven’t told you either. I also wouldn’t mind talking about how we might make this work in the future.”

  “Make what work?”

  “Your singing career and my college plans.”

  “Zach, you don’t need to change your life to fit into mine. We’ll never stop being friends and supporting each other. Distance doesn’t change that.”

  “Maybe I want to. Look, we don’t need to talk about it now. When you get back—”

  “About that.” Billie paused, and t
he silence caused the hair on my body to stand on end. “I’ve been thinking about not coming home for the weeks before the live shows if I make it. I’ve been asked to go to Los Angeles early. If Momma is already upset, I don’t think my coming home will be the best idea. It was so hard to leave the first time. If I thought she was hurting, I don’t think I could come back. And being here, Zach, it feels too important to walk away from.”

  “Was it Jax Bone?” I growled. “The one who asked for you to go to LA?”

  “What does it matter?” Billie replied defensively.

  “I saw your audition, B. That guy, he made you feel alone—”

  “Zach, I was alone.”

  “Don’t let him convince you that you need him to win the competition,” I begged. “Don’t let him make you believe that to hold on to your dreams, you need to hold on to him. I’ve read the articles, seen him in the papers. He’s a player. I don’t want you to become a groupie instead of a performer. He’s also a user. More than a few people in interviews have said he used his dad’s death to get famous.”

  I heard her sharp intake of breath, heard her begin to pace up and down her bedroom.

  “That was a sh*t thing to say to me,” Billie hissed. “And a sh*t thing to say about a person you haven’t even met. Jax isn’t like that, and if he was, I’m certainly smart enough not to trust someone like that. People can be jealous when you’re on top.”

  “I know the competition must be stressful,” I tried explaining. “I just don’t want you to make a decision you’ll regret.”

  “Zach, you don’t know anything about what the competition is like, and I don’t need you helping me make decisions right now—”

  “The reason I don’t know about the competition is because you’ve been too busy to tell me. Besides that first day, you barely text. You don’t send me photos, and you don’t vent any of your concerns to me. You used to tell me everything,” I interrupted heatedly.

  She didn’t say anything. I could hear the sniffling and suddenly felt like a jerk. I felt guilty, and now I’d called her and made her feel guilty as well.

  I didn’t know what I expected this conversation to be like, but this wasn’t it. We rarely ever fought. We usually always had the same opinion on people, and I didn’t remember there ever being a time in our lives when we couldn’t tell each other exactly what we were thinking.

  Unless it was me, hiding how I felt about her to protect our friendship.

  Now it didn’t feel like we were just on the phone, separated by distance. It felt like we were separated by thousands of pages of unknown dialogue. We were on different pages of entirely different books. And I hated it.

  “Look, I know you’ve been busy. I know you’re meeting people I don’t know anything about other than what I see online,” I tried conceding. “I just don’t want to lose you.”

  Billie sniffled once more before whispering, “I don’t want to lose you either.”

  “You should go to LA,” I encouraged. “Get settled in before the live shows if you feel like that will be the best for you.”

  “I don’t really know—”

  “You do. Otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it to me.”

  “I guess I do,” she confessed. “But, Zach, you should know, I don’t want to lose you either. I miss hanging out with you.”

  “It’s all good. We’ll be hanging out again before you know it.”

  “Yeah, we will.” Billie sighed. “I should probably get back to sleep. After the last few auditions tomorrow, they announce who’s making it to the live shows. It’s going to be a massive day of filming.”

  After we said goodnight and hung up the phone, I jumped online to look at credit card applications and flights to Los Angeles.

  I knew Billie was making it to the live shows after Vegas.

  I knew she wouldn’t be coming home.

  And I knew I wasn’t letting her go through the next part of this competition without someone cheering her on. Not again, and not for all the money in the world.

  Mega-rich teen idol

  Billie

  The sun rose, dusty gold, over the green hills and lavish homes of California’s rich and famous. From the guest room of Jax’s house, I thought the modern white cubes and green swirls tumbling down from the Hollywood sign looked like expensive confetti celebrating a life of luxury and excess.

  Downtown Los Angeles, on the other hand, resembled fierce little Lego blocks from a distance, threatening pain on anyone who dared to step foot amongst the most powerful businessmen and women. Since Jax showed me this room and this view less than twenty-four hours ago, I took what was likely my hundredth glance at the glass and glittering steel and pondered how I wound up there.

  I still couldn’t decide if I needed to pinch or kick myself.

  The choices I was making terrified me. And the secrets, they were only getting more and more ridiculous as days passed. First, it was just my friendship with Jax. Then it was hearing I made it into the live shows of Superstardom before everyone else. Pretending to be surprised when they gathered us together in those final days in Las Vegas. Laughing along with Faith as we received our new star tickets to Los Angeles. Now it was sneaking onto a private jet and hiding out in a Hollywood Hills mansion, waiting for Jax to return from meetings with his agent and the television executives to spend our first day exploring LA together. It felt wrong. I needed Zach to tell me again that what I was doing was okay.

  “Billie,” Jax called from somewhere inside this massive house, and my heart raced.

  Kick, definitely kick myself. What have I gotten myself into?

  I left the sprawling room, heading down the stairs and toward Jax’s voice.

  I saw him standing near the front door and inexplicably I started to relax. I wondered how it was possible that staring at him calmed me down and didn’t freak me out. Why his chocolate eyes and smirk made me want to throw caution to the wind and believe our hanging out was completely right.

  “Hey,” I said casually.

  I could tell by the way his back got straighter and he raked his fingers through his hair before adjusting his Dodgers baseball cap that ever since he kissed me, Jax was less sure of himself around me. He smiled and teased me but appeared more nervous. I didn’t really understand why he wanted me here or what made him want to kiss me the night after my performance. He certainly hadn’t made a move to do it again since.

  Jax turned and opened the door behind him. “You ready to visit Santa Monica Pier?”

  “I’m ready to go anywhere,” I replied honestly. “This entire place seems so different than home.”

  “We’ll start with the pier. There’s also this crab shack nearby. The owners are discreet, so we’ll be able to have lunch without fear of being interrupted.”

  “That sounds great. Although, won’t people recognize your car?” I asked, staring at the fancy white convertible.

  “Maybe, but this thing goes pretty fast.” Jax smirked. “It’ll be hard for the paparazzi to keep up. Just you wait. You’ll enjoy watching them try.”

  “Jax Bone, are you trying to corrupt me?” I laughed.

  “Billie Bishop, are you corruptible?”

  “I’m here, aren’t I?” I replied, feeling the heat creep into my cheeks.

  The day was perfect. The water. The rides. The food.

  I would never regret breaking the rules to spend time with Jax.

  We didn’t talk about the competition. I didn’t feel like he was a judge and I was a contestant. Instead we were two teenagers spending time together discussing our favorite foods. We argued over what the best movies and television shows of all time were and admitted to our guilty-pleasure Netflix shows. I confessed to him that it was musicians from the nineties who had me first falling in love with music, and he told me about the latest jazz musicians that kept his love alive. I told him about the first time I sang and played my secondhand keyboard in public, the nerves and the joy when no one laughed or pointed. He talked
about his dad teaching him how to play guitar on the beach and his disappointment that his dad never saw him play to a giant crowd.

  It was like this time together had nothing to do with those times I had, and would have, to stand on stage in front of him, waiting for him to judge me. The sun disappeared with the tide, and I barely noticed the few girls who walked past us and saw Jax’s disguise for what it was and giggled. I didn’t notice the squeals that came from the roller coaster above us or the excited chatter of tourists. The world faded away.

  He reached for my hand, and it felt right to hold on. It didn’t feel like he was some mega-rich teen rock idol who could charter his own plane and afford to buy us lobster from the most expensive restaurant on the pier while calling it a crab shack. It felt like he was only this incredibly cool high school guy who listened when I told him that I wished I knew my father and laughed when I said Lindsey Lohan’s Parent Trap was my favorite movie.

  The wind made me to shiver, and Jax unzipped his jacket and put it over my shoulders.

  “You ready to head back to the house?” he asked softly.

  “Sure,” I whispered, pulling his jacket tighter and smelling Jax’s musky, delicious scent.

  The easygoing chatter between us died, and we became almost too quiet as we approached his car hidden amongst the trees. I started overthinking what going back to the house might mean. For the first time since I’d asked the concierge to provide me with the details Jax left behind, I panicked that he was lying when he told me he didn’t expect anything from me. Only today did I realize it was like an electric wire existed between us and vibrations traveled down my body each time Jax moved or looked at me.

  I wasn’t totally sure that if Jax made a move to kiss me, I would have the self-control to say no. Actually, I wasn’t sure that if he kissed me, I wouldn’t be the one who steered us into that unfamiliar territory.

  I wondered if he could tell that I had limited sexual experience. If he could take one look at me and see the naïve country girl who lurked below, or if he assumed that everyone was like the girls in his music videos: confident, liberated, eager to climb all over him, and wise about where to touch.